~ Layin' it down for all to see...~

Turkey!!!!!!!

2010-11-23T20:36:00.000-05:00

It is almost Thanksgiving and I would like to take the opportunity to write about those things that I am thankful for the most. First, I am thankful that I have a job. I may gripe about it and whine occasionally (actually daily) but I am very grateful that I am gainfully employed. Second, I am thankful for my family and friends. I know it seems cliche, but seriously, I am very lucky to have great people in my life. This is especially important because I have such a shitty job. Third, I am thankful for my health. I am so lucky to have a body that functions properly. There are so many people out there with life threatening illnesses (which I meet mostly at my workplace), and I am happy to be healthy and have a healthy family. Lastly, I am thankful for Russ. He loves me in spite of my griping and whining about above job. I am very lucky to have such an awesome man in my life. So, in closing, I am very thankful for such good times with good people. I wish everyone reading this a very happy Thanksgiving, and holiday season. Eat bird.

Lance is a pervert.

2010-11-22T19:29:00.000-05:00

This is the strangest ad campaign ever. Is Don Draper responsible for this?

"I got Lance in my pants." Eww.

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Really America?

2010-11-16T07:15:00.000-05:00

Why is the engagement of two British people the "top story" this morning? The Today show spent ten minutes on the "Royal Engagement". My thoughts on the pending nuptials: I. Don't. Care. I also don't care about Lindsey Lohan's legal issues or Brangelina's rainbow baby. Not everyone wants smoke and mirrors.

I should not have to get my news from the BBC, which, in spite of being the home country of the prince and pending princess, had only a small blurb on the entire matter before reporting actual news.

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Attack of the flaming "J" turkey.

2010-11-04T18:57:00.000-04:00

My assistant drew this awesome turkey on the office's dry erase board. I think the "J" stands for jive.

Smoke your meth asshole. I hate you.

2010-11-02T21:34:00.001-04:00

Why did I have to give more information to buy Claritin D than I did to buy a house? I am sick; I really didn't need the third degree from a lady with hair the size of a Geo Metro. I realize that I live in a poor rural community known for its premium meth production, but did I really look like I was going to cook a batch of meth? No, I looked like Rudolph the red effin' nosed reindeer (maybe she thought I was a cokehead). I actually sneezed on her little notebook where I had to sign and swear to use the pills for good not evil. Thanks a lot meth-heads for making my life a bit more Orwellian.

EDIT: To be fair, I just realized that Ms. Big Hair may have looked at my mismatched sock and black clogs and thought no one would wear that mess unless a drug of some sort was involved. I still hate her, and meth cookers. Meh.

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Midterm Election Anxiety Reliever.

2010-11-01T22:51:00.001-04:00

Guaranteed to make you smile:

Step 1: Open Browser
Step 2: Go to www.google.com/imghp
Step 3: Type, "baby orangutan"
Step 4: Click "Search Images"
Step 5: Smile

I am not usually this cheesy, but Oh Ma Gah. Those babies are so cute. Okay, I'm making myself sick and this makes me sad. Better repeat Step 1!

Happy mid-term elections!!!!

EDIT: I didn't think anything could be cuter, but then I remembered this little guy.

Hmmm.

2010-10-25T19:22:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or are they trying to sell sweatpants painted up like blue jeans for $40? What's next, nightgown prom dresses? I mean really, do you know how lumpy most people's asses would be in these? It is a good thing they are pajamas because then these lumpy assed girls will be properly dressed for a fashion nightmare.

Please explain why...

2010-10-25T15:27:00.000-04:00

Please explain why a woman felt the need to discuss her new medication and how her urine smelled like burned beans. She says all of this to me like I am her very own personal physician. I was washing my hands and she steps up and shares this nugget of info. People, this is not acceptable behavior. This has been a public service announcement.

2010-10-23T08:29:00.000-04:00

This is on the dashboard of my mother's car. WTF? She must be regressing.

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Favorites!

2010-10-22T22:07:00.001-04:00

Okay, I think it is time for me to discuss my favorite songs right now. I will limit the list to five.
1. The National, "Bloodbuzz Ohio"- The lead's voice sounds like Tom Waits and Darth Vader's love child.
2. Broken Bells, "Sailing to Nowhere"- Love this one. Great melody and a bit creepy.
3. Guster, "Do You Love Me"- This song makes me smile big. I love that "marbles in my mouth" phrase. I can totally relate.
4. The Black Keys, "Howlin' for you"- Sexy.
5. And an older, but still awesome, "Be Here Now" by Mason Jennings- Makes me think about how good my life is right now.

All are awesome.

By the way, I have no qualms about telling you that I can be obsessed with a song or songs. I set about ten songs on a playlist and hit the repeat button. Before I know it I will have listened to them all about five times. Does this count as a hobby?

Yep...

2010-10-20T19:37:00.001-04:00

In case you cannot tell, this is a naked barbie riding a bulldog hood ornament. What can I say? Some rednecks are freakin' geniuses.

Looks like Nietzsche was right...

2010-10-20T19:34:00.001-04:00

God must be dead.

DaNaNaNa...They say its your birthday!

2010-10-09T22:18:00.000-04:00

Happy 70th to the late John Lennon. Which begs the question; how can one have a birthday if one is dead? I don't really know, I just really love the Beatles. John is not my fav, but god I love "Happiness is a Warm Gun". Anywho, celebrate the music today.

Chicago Impressions

2010-10-07T22:37:00.000-04:00

Can squids use spoons?

2010-10-07T20:38:00.000-04:00

I dreamt last night that I was a giant squid with tentacles that held jars of nutella. Also, I sang that song "Angie" by the Stones really loudly while I waved my delicious jars of hazelnut goodness. I was one happy squid. I think Freud would have a ball with that one.

Things I learned today:

2010-10-06T21:54:00.000-04:00

1. I really hate getting junk mail. I always suspected that it sucked, but I really do hate it.

2. Cheese grits with turkey sausage and garlic are amazing.

3. Queen Latifah sounds like a man when she speaks on the radio. Seriously, I thought I was listening to an interview with Shaquille O'Neal for about five minutes.

Random!

2010-09-25T12:56:00.000-04:00

So I was randomly flipping through channels on the tv when I heard a man say, "Jackie Kennedy would NOT have a camel toe!". Some people are trend setters, and some are not.

New York Impressions

2010-09-19T22:59:00.000-04:00

My five favorite pics from today.

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I do too!

2010-09-18T13:05:00.000-04:00

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Wow!

2010-09-18T12:37:00.000-04:00

Blogging from the top of the Rock!

Surreal.

2010-09-17T16:21:00.001-04:00

It is very strange to listen to a song about counting cars on the New Jersey Turnpike while riding along in a bus on the same road. I don't think Paul and Art were on an old folks tour bus though. Still it is weird.

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Mattress is a funny word.

2010-09-01T22:48:00.005-04:00

Okay, before you read any of this post and think, "that chick is off her rocker", just know that I realize this is weird.

This past saturday evening marked the end of an era in my household. I am sentimental about the strangest things...

My parents bought a king size bed when they got married in 1967. Up until last weekend it was still being used by my parents (mostly my dad because my mom decided she wanted her own room, "for the first time in her life", after I moved out) Anyway, this monstrosity of a bed, complete with yellow, pink and orange roses dotting it's surface, still sat in the same place as it did 43 years ago. I remember thinking when I was a kid that it was the biggest and best bed ever. I loved to jump up and down on the bed when my parents weren't watching me closely. I would roll all over the bed while my mom would sew wedding dresses. I always felt really safe when I was in that bed. (Incidentally, I also have a sneaky suspicion that I was conceived on that bed. My mother insists that it could have been anywhere, but I sort of like thinking that this bed was where I became the multicellular organism you all know and love today.)

That is why, when my dad and I took the 3 ton mattress to the county dump and threw it into the dumpster, I was a little sad. My dad was not sad. He could not wait to sleep on his new queen size mattress. Go figure.

So long, to the place where I was made. So long to my happy bouncy spot, so long to my big soft squishy friend, bon chance box springs! I hope some homeless people got you out of that dumpster.

I actually know some really cool people...

2010-08-31T18:13:00.009-04:00

I have been meaning to post this for a while. My friend is an amazingly talented man. Check out this video of him drawing on ceramic. And yes, he really moves that fast. it only takes him like a second to brush his teeth. :)

Smile

2010-08-30T22:07:00.000-04:00

Sorry I've been MIA for a while. I bought a house, and I actually have something to do other than work, so my blog suffered. Meh, maybe I'm not that sorry. Having a life is fun.

On a completely different note, look at this piece of ginger. It looks like a horsey. I so love it when food looks like animals. I think I have an animal cracker fetish.

Again, subject change: I was sitting is traffic today waiting for a red light to change when two of the prettiest yellow butterflies flew right in front of my car. They "danced" with each other for a while before flying off together. It was an amazing moment.

Is that how you spell Shrubbery???

2010-06-28T19:05:00.001-04:00

This was posted at a local gas station. I hate people and there poor grammar to.

Gifties

2010-06-22T21:34:00.000-04:00

Get your awesome GIFTS here.

Be right back...

2010-06-22T21:32:00.001-04:00

Dear Mr. Man that Shoots Arrows,

I'm so sorry to have been away for so long. I have been packing up my apartment so that I can move into my new house, but the seller is being difficult and trying to back out of the deal. I will be back after I manage to whip her ass. I am attaching the awesome story you sent me. Maybe God is a vegan after all.

Sincerely yours,

Sadie

Link:
Big Butter Jesus sizzles.

Anybody got a tissue?

2010-05-27T22:37:00.001-04:00

I have a confession to make. I cried during the American Idol finale.

Twice.

The first time was when Brett Michaels came out to sing with dirty grocery store boy. He came back from a near death experience to sing with a twerp. The second time was when Simon said goodbye. I love Simon, but I really didn't anticipate that reaction. I am blaming hormones for this embarrassing moment, but I think I am actually just a dork.

I still miss you Jim.

2010-05-16T06:30:00.014-04:00

Today is the 20th anniversary of Jim Henson's death.

He was a quiet genius. Willing to take a back seat and let the Muppets develop personalities of their own. I had never cried over a "celebrity's" passing until the day he died, and haven't since (except maybe Jeff Buckley, but I was a little drunk then and probably would have cried anyway).

I still love you Jim and miss *your* Kermit the frog. The new guy is good, but I can tell the difference. Thanks for bringing me joy and making me smile still after all these years. Now off to watch Kermit and Piggy save the Fabulous Baseball Diamond from Charles Grodin.

Today I burped.

2010-05-13T19:47:00.001-04:00

Yes, I know, this is not a shocker. I burp all the time; in fact, that was to be my talent at 4-H camp. I could burp the alphabet. I was good at it. I would go so far as to say I was the Michael Jordan of alphabet burping, but apparently the talent show judges at camp didn't think burping was a "talent". Whatever, they suck.

I digress, today I was sitting, having a conversation with a co-worker when a burp slipped out. Just came out loud and proud. This has never happened to me. I always have a warning. It may be a short one, but it is at least enough time to close my mouth or muffle the sound. This was completely unexpected. I am freaking out. What if this happens when I meet President Obama, or Paul McCartney? I will never be the same again. How can I ever relax again?

5 reasons I will never have a facebook:

2010-05-12T20:59:00.000-04:00

1. I do not have time to sit in front of my computer and read about the minutia of people lives. I would never sit and listen to these details on the phone, or tolerate such banality in person. Why would I waste time that could be spent doing more productive things like reading a 1000 page book?

2. I am a private person. Yes, I have a blog, but you will note that my name is not disclosed anywhere. There is a picture of me when I was four, but I don't think I look like that anymore. Anyways, I don't want to share with others. I live in a small town; people already know too much about me. And, did you know that facebook owns your pictures? They do. You may see your face on a billboard one day.

3. I don't like most people. I don't talk to people I went to high school or college with. This is purposeful. I have one or two friends that I keep in touch with, but for the most part, I hated those people. I was painfully weird and nerdy with a uni-brow in high school. I don't care to relive those moments.

4. Being a "friend" with someone on facebook does not make you friends. It is this kind of fake relationship that makes me want to barf. Be my friend, don't be my friend, but definitely don't be my fake friend on facebook.

5. And lastly, my Aunties have facebook accounts. They all get together and talk constantly about their status, farms and fish. I am so tired of being badgered by them to get an account that I am going nuts. I can tell you that if I were to be "friends" with my Aunties on facebook my life would have dropped to such a boring level that I would probably enjoy facebook. This makes me want to throw myself off of a silo in Farmville.

~~~~~~~~~*~~~

2010-05-11T20:23:00.000-04:00

What exactly is this trying to prove?

Bring me some meat and money!!!!!!

2010-05-10T17:26:00.002-04:00

I was thinking today about what my "dream" job would be. I thought for a long time and finally settled on... Food Critic. Now, you may want to point out that in addition to tasty gourmet fare, food critics have to eat a lot of really nasty food. This would not deter me. I have eaten a lot of really bad food, and even enjoyed some of it. Some people will say, "eww, don't get pizza there, it tastes disgusting", or "gross, that steak was way too tough"; to these people I say, phooey. Even the worst pizza and/or steak is pretty good. I think I could eat a few bad meals in order to be paid to chow down on some tasty vittles. Now off to send in my resume to the local paper, the Tomahawk, so that my review of local gas station salads can commence.

Another WTF...

2010-05-06T22:37:00.000-04:00

I was out on the town last night and came upon this band poster. I think I know what is going on in this picture. I really hope I am wrong about it. I really hope that dolphin is choking on a fish stick while the unicorn gives him the Heimlich maneuver; however, I think there are darker forces at work here. Most concerning of all is the, "all ages" printed in the lower corner.

Do you wish to continue this transaction?

2010-05-03T11:55:00.001-04:00

Is it weird that whenever I go through an ATM that charges a withdrawal fee I always take out at least $100.00? I do this because I feel like I am getting more for the $2.00 fee. Logically I realize that it is $2.00 coming out of my account regardless of the amount I withdraw. Taking out a larger amount doesn't save me one thin dime, but it does make me feel better. I realize it is not a percentages game as it is a flat fee. But it looks better to have spent only 2% of the final take rather than 10%.
My mind is a vast wasteland of stupid ideas, and this is only one. I am a weirdo.

Must have it!

2010-04-27T19:00:00.002-04:00

Is it wrong that I would pay up to ten of my hard earned dollars for this thing? It has two big pluses IMHO. First, it is a stuffed animal. I have tried in vain to deny my obsession with stuffed animals. I have to rationalize with myself that I do not need to buy stuffed animals because I am a professional woman in her 30s. I tell myself they are dust collectors and only add to my allergies, and I walk away. But it hurts. Secondly, this thing is freakin' weird, and I love that.

Source.

Could it be Colonel Angus?

2010-04-18T15:41:00.000-04:00

Yabba Dabba Goo

2010-04-14T21:55:00.001-04:00

One more thing I learned the hard way, you can't leave gummy vitamins in your car and expect them not to melt into a gooey mess that resembles the B-movie classic "the Blob". Now I have a huge, seven dollar, blob of vitamin. FML.

I'm waiting for the Toilet Paper Roll Houseboat.

2010-04-13T14:06:00.001-04:00

Clicky: This is so amazing!

I am always amazed at the things people can invent and produce. I can make a pretty tasty brown rice salad, but I have to credit Alton Brown for that.

Somebody call Oliver Stone...

2010-04-11T11:38:00.002-04:00

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Is Oliver Stone still relevant?

One Strong Pong.

2010-04-10T12:51:00.001-04:00

Thanks to the Mantastic Minataur for turning me on to this little nugget of awesome.

Game Reviews - E3 2010 - Comedy
Link: Here is the Link

2010-03-31T18:54:00.002-04:00

finger

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): fin·gered; fin·ger·ing \-g(ə-)riŋ\

Date: 15th century

transitive verb

1 : to touch or feel with the fingers

2 a : to play (a musical instrument) with the fingers b : to play (as notes or chords) with a specific fingering c : to mark the notes of (a music score) as a guide in playing

3 : to point out as an accusation.

I cannot tell you how misunderstood I was today when I used the word "fingered", as in number 3 above. Just know that my client was asked about being digitally raped, and I almost peed my pants. Sometimes my job is so great.

What the Hell? AKA Just Another Rant.

2010-03-30T21:53:00.005-04:00

So, I took off a couple of hours early today because my body is rebelling against me, and I am a sicky. Anywho, I was lying in bed after a nap and QVC was on the TV. They were selling Birkenstocks. Now, I love my Birks, and I wear them a lot in the summer with casual clothes. I have had them resoled several times since 1992, and I seriously love them.

BUT, the women on QVC were selling these sandals and saying things like, "you could really dress these up and wear them out for cocktails or for a dressy dinner", and "these have a rhinestone on the buckle and shiny faux croc leather; that makes them so nice to wear to weddings and social events".

NO! NO! NO!

At no point in time should someone think that a dressy dinner party should involve a hippie-assed sandal. I see people who look like they got dressed in the dark, they look like they have fashion schizophrenia, and I wonder where they got the idea that they looked good. Well folks, now I know. Q-fricking-VC.

Who knew Seabiscuit was gay?

2010-03-30T18:54:00.001-04:00

At first I wondered; are these stories about lesbians who like horses, or horses who are lesbians? In fact, I am still confused.

2010-03-29T18:03:00.004-04:00

This is the most terrifying photo I have ever seen. If I looked up and saw these two coming at me I would crap my pants. They are creepy, and not even because of the hair and fashion choices. That knife/gun thing is scary enough; holy hell though, what is he going to do with that bird? Pennywise from Stephen King's It could take lessons from these two.

On a completely unrelated note, I think I am being attacked by mutant allergens. I think they are my kryptonite. I'm on my way home to my fortress of solitude to recover.

:(

2010-03-28T18:08:00.000-04:00

Clicky: This is effed up. Like seriously, effed up.

I am also concerned that 14% of people thought this story was "hillarious". What. The. Hell?

2010-03-26T18:25:00.000-04:00

Source: ananova.com

World's cleverest man turns down $1m

A Russian said to be the world's cleverest man has turned down a $1 million prize for solving one of mathematics' toughest puzzles.

Dr Grigory Perelman, 44, who lives as a recluse in a cockroach-infested flat in St Petersburg, said through the closed door: "I have all I want."

The prize, the equivalent of £660,000, was given by the US Clay Mathematics Institute for solving the Poincare Conjecture, reports the Daily Mail.

Dr Perelman posted his solution on the internet but failed to turn up to receive his prestigious Fields Medal from the International Mathematical Union in Madrid four years ago.

At the time he stated: "I'm not interested in money or fame. I don't want to be on display like an animal in a zoo.

"I'm not a hero of mathematics. I'm not even that successful, that is why I don't want to have everybody looking at me."

Neighbour Vera Petrovna said: "I was once in his flat and I was astounded. He only has a table, a stool and a bed with a dirty mattress which was left by previous owners - alcoholics who sold the flat to him.

"We are trying to get rid of cockroaches in our block, but they hide in his flat."

The Poincare Conjecture was more than 100 years old when Perelman solved it - and could help determine the shape of the universe.

Thanks to Little D for finding this article! Love ya!

Maybe they are blind...

2010-03-25T21:15:00.003-04:00

More incongruity:

In fairness to the dude in the middle, the swastika is a symbol of peace in eastern religions; however, I have no defense for the other two people as they are obvious jackasses.

Overheard:

2010-03-23T20:03:00.001-04:00

Today in juvenile court I overheard the following conversation between two women:

Woman#1 Them Democrats are gonna ruin us all. Why do they have to mess around with our insurance.
Woman#2 I know, things were better when Bush was in office... What's your brother up to now?
Woman#1 Nothing, he's trying for disability. I sent him to my lawyer. He did a great job with my case.

Oh, the humanity. I know Woman#1 and she gets her insurance through TennCare, our Medicaid program. I swear, if these women were chickens they would vote for Colonel Sanders.

Bass Pro Shop

2010-03-21T11:17:00.005-04:00

Memories...

2010-03-14T22:47:00.003-04:00

Just so I will always remember, it was the 13th of March, 2010 when I ended up in a smelly cab with my friends and a toothless lesbian named D. The lesbian didn't have a ride home and I think she had a thing for one of my friends. I was too drunk to care that we were riding through the night with a strange lady who wanted to get in my pal's panties. She kept bitching about some cologne she left in her absent friend's car. We went to Perkins where I ate pancakes and bacon, and my friend broke the news that she was straight and married. We left Perkins while D was in the restroom; I hope she made it home, and got her cologne back.

I guess I was wrong...

2010-03-14T22:19:00.000-04:00

I think I have asked myself this question before, but I always thought the answer was:

"Get it on with Mick Jagger, Sucka!" How could I have been so wrong?

Pic Source: cheezburger.com

~~~~~~~~~

2010-03-09T20:37:00.001-05:00

I wonder if the back-up singers on American Idol ever think, "Why am I singing backup for this no-talent teen twerp?"

Seriously, those back-up singers are amazing and they are supporting some sub-par talent this year. I have to say, ~~I feel bad that they are stuck oohing and aahing behind a karaoke act~~ I am happy for them because they are employed in an industry that they love. Is there a number where I can text a vote for them?

I've taken a moment...

2010-03-07T22:46:00.008-05:00

Okay, so I got a new email from Reid Rosenthal, from the Bachelorette. If you missed the first Reid, AKA "Sex on Legs", post you can find it here: Reid Mail Exchange #1

I recieved this little missive from the Reidster, and again, I get the strange feeling that he didn't actually read Ms. L's and my email:

From the Desk of... Reid Rosenthal

Take a Moment to Think

Hello,

Would you be so kind as to take a moment and let us know what else we can do to help you?
Please take some time to consider your home buying situation. What do you want in a neighborhood? What type of home would you like to own? How much of a payment do you feel you can afford? The questions will keep coming.
Because it is our goal to make sure you are 100% satisfied, we pledge to do what we can to make your home buying process as stress-free as possible! We understand the importance of prompt attention and will be responding to any request you might have as quickly as possible.
If you give us some guidelines to follow, we can help. We know the area and the market conditions. Let us put our years of experience to work for you. Call or email us at any time. Let's get started.
P.S. Give us a list of your wants and needs, and we will email or fax you some homes to see.
Sincerely,
Reid Rosenthal & The Rosenthal Group

Okay, Reid, since you asked to help, and you want to make sure I am 100% satisfied I will let you use *all* of your past years experience. I don't think you really want a list of our wants and needs. As we said it is a very small town and we are "horned up" after all. I refuse to feel truly pathetic until the restraining order issues.

No it isn't...

2010-03-04T16:39:00.001-05:00

Okay folks. This container was brought to my office full of keys, apparently for George. I won't go into why it was full of keys. That is irrelevant. What I will discuss is the name. "Isn't It Butter"

What. The. Hell? Where is the question mark? I can't even say this sentence without it becoming a question. Go ahead, try to say it as written. You can't. Is it sarcasm? Maybe. My guess is that this product leaves no question about whether or not it is butter because it probably tastes like turds. Isn't It Shit.

Would it be classier if it was a horned up toad?

2010-03-03T10:40:00.003-05:00

So my friend Ms. L and I decided that the Bachelor was a big flop, and that Reid Rosenthal from the last Bachelorette should have been the Bachelor. He is so adorable. We decided to let Reid know what we thought of him. We sent the following email to him at his website (where I found the tasty picture above):

Hey Reid! We wanted to drop you a line and tell you how wonderful we think you were on theBachelorette show, and we think you are definitely "sex on legs"

Sadie and Ms. L

(ps we are not crazy stalkers just normal horned up women living in a very small town!) haha

Ms. L insisted that "horned up" was a classier way to say "horny". Ummm,... yeah. So, I received the following generic email from "Reid":

Hello,

Thank you for visiting our website. We hope that you were able to find everything you needed. Our site is updated daily with new and valuable information. Please visit as often as you like and consider it your personal real estate resource center.

As a convenience for our customers, we offer you instant access to our entire Multiple Listing Service inventory of listings! Now…you can view every property listed for sale, conveniently, in the comfort of your own home. You will have access to the most accurate, up-to-date property information available anywhere. Just go to our Web site.

Again, thank you for your interest. We look forward to speaking with you soon.

This is the standard reply email everyone gets because I think if Reid Rosenthal actually read our email he probably is not looking forward to speaking with us soon. :) We love you Reid, and promise to use your agency if we are ever looking for land in Philly!

P.S. I will let you all know if a restraining order issues.

~~~~~~~~*~~

2010-03-02T22:12:00.004-05:00

George Harrison was so brilliant. Last thursday would have been his 67th birthday. I am glad that though he is not physically with us anymore, his music is. He was never caught up the drama that came with working with big egos. He came to the studio to make music, and he did: beautiful, layered, heartfelt music. His work is so lovely it makes me want to cry, smile and sing along all at the same time. The next time you are feeling down, put on "My Sweet Lord" or "Here Comes the Sun", and feel the magic. Happy belated birthday George.

Star Wars Picspam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-02T16:02:00.001-05:00

None of these are mine. They belong to their respective owners. They are incredibly awesome!

Wal-mart and hairy-wart should rhyme, but they don't...

2010-02-28T10:44:00.006-05:00

I went to the icky Wal-Mart to buy a filter for my humidifier, and decided to look in the fabric and notions section for some new fun yarn. What I found there was both disturbing and haunting.

Do you all remember those zubaz pants that were popular with football fans and coaches in the 90's? Well I found a middle-aged man in the fabric department wearing a pair, in tiger. He had several bolts of fabric laid out across his buggy. One is a checkered flag print, the other has the number 3 all over it and the other two have various nascar logos all over them. This guy is looking back and forth between the fabric and his tony the tiger pants, almost as if he is wondering how much fabric he will need to fashion a homemade pair of these textile nightmares. In fact, I think that is exactly what he was contemplating. He is staring at the fabric and ... Oh, the humanity. Things like this should not be allowed to happen in America.

Check this out! This chick is a hoot!
http://nomissedopportunities.blogspot.com/2010/03/rant-part-2.html#comment-form

Non sequitur: I really hate it when you find a really perfect piece of fruit at the grocery, and you pick it up and the side that was hidden is all mushy. Such a let-down.

2010-02-25T22:47:00.007-05:00

At the risk of eliminating a source of my income; this is for all those folks out there that end up in court for being stupid. Listen to me now...are you listening? Yes, I'm talking to you. Ok, so, do not smoke pot or drink beer while driving down the road in plain view of god and everybody. Just drink your beer in the bar or at home. AND for forks sake don't smoke weed in your car. Do that at your home or the home of a well-known friend. The police actually have to have a warrant to search your home. If you are minding your own business in your house, there is almost always no need for Barney Fife to come knockin' on your door, and if he does, just hide the shit. He is probably not looking for your dime bag of smoke.

Heads up though, if you are being an idiot and doing this shit in your car, maintain a safe speed, make sure you don't have a busted brake light, always wear your seat belt and don't leave the stuff out in the open. Don't give the police probable cause to search your Buick. Be smart.

This has been a public service announcement.

This. Is. American. Mediocre Idol!

2010-02-24T20:59:00.004-05:00

What is going on with American Idol? All the contestants are meh. Where is the charisma? If it doesn't show up soon I'm gonna have to change the channel. I only watch a couple of tv shows regularly, and I may start looking for a replacement. Trash tv is so unpredictable. Dirty Grocery Store boy is about halfway to being great, and Simon is still sex on legs.

I don't think this was the big hair the 80's was famous for.

2010-02-21T22:16:00.002-05:00

The ways I know my friend and I have grown up:

We both make sure we have plenty of toilet paper. No more digging for Kleenex in an emergency.
We both have spare bedrooms for company.
We don't like hanging out with a bunch of club kids and pretend hippies anymore.
We have gray hairs.
We both have jobs with insurance benefits.
We talk about things like mortgages, 401ks, and credit scores.
Thankfully our mother's don't dress us and do our hair anymore. (see above pics for reference.)

Glorious...

2010-02-21T18:50:00.006-05:00

I mean, why are there dorks at the Olympics, the biggest sporting event there is, skating around in cowboy costumes to the effin' Dixie Chicks? I even hate the fact that I know who the Dixie Chicks are. Men should not wear chaps and ice skates together. I am making a decree: no skates and chaps at the same time. There, that should head off any further foolishness.

EDIT: Oh, Mah, God, now there are two Russians dressed up in skin colored body stockings painted to look like Aborigines. Sweet lord, why, why is this a sport?

Why I eyes ya...

2010-02-19T21:07:00.000-05:00

Woot!

2010-02-19T14:06:00.001-05:00

I feel the way this cat looks. Like freakin' Superman! The sun is shining; it is 40 degrees outside. I am super stoked. There is no way I could live in an area where it was snowing and gray all winter long. I would go crazy. I already started to feel a little like Jack Torrance in "The Shining". I think I actually typed, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy", on someone's disability application.

Felony Swabbery...

2010-02-17T19:42:00.002-05:00

Okay, I sat through a twenty minute lecture today from a man regarding my use of Q-tips. I was making out a grocery list while waiting my turn in court and he starts ranting about how Q-tips are dangerous. Really? Dangerous? Beware America, these things are being sold willy-nilly. Gird your loins and board up the windows. That isn't even the part that ticks me off...

First of all, he read a list, out loud, over my shoulder, that I was making for my own personal use; a list that I had no intention of sharing with the entire front of the courtroom. Did the inmates from the jail need to know that I need tampons? Secondly, is there no other topic to rant and rave about? To have that kind of hatred for an inanimate object is just plain strange. Thanks for the mind-numbing diatribe. I love Q-tips, but don't really like you anymore. Viva la Q-tips!!!!!!!!!

P.S. I did really love your hiking boots. They looked really comfy.

Will it ever stop?...

2010-02-16T20:58:00.000-05:00

Yo, I don't know, turn off the lights and I'll glow. Because I am fashioning an atomic bomb to blow the snow off the planet.

An salute to flatulence...

2010-02-15T19:28:00.001-05:00

I paid a dollar for a self-inflating whoopie-cushion today. It may have been the best dollar I have spent this year. My co-worker/friend spent an hour perfecting the different, ahem...noises. By the end of the day he had named one the "Queen of England", and another the "Two for One".

We discussed how no matter where you are from, your economic status, age, race, religion or other affiliation, a fart is really funny. It is one of the only things that truly crosses all boundaries. So, I want to salute the farts of the world. You remind me that we are all the same. I think Benetton should do an advert where farts are the stars. I'm not sure how they would do print ads, but the TV spots would be fun.

Toot Tone!!!!!!!!

'Nuff Said...

2010-02-14T07:42:00.000-05:00

I like the caramels.

2010-02-13T23:14:00.001-05:00

I was reminded tonight of how much I love Walt Whitman. I never pick up Leaves of Grass that I don't feel the need to lay on the green ground and stare at the sky through the trees. Whitman makes me feel like I think a person should feel while having a religious experience. After a good sermon from Walt I feel hopeful and have a renewed faith in both myself and mankind. Song of Myself is my Psalms. I think Whitman intended the reader to feel that way; to have that lyrical, singing quality from his written words. I'm just glad King James isn't around to screw it up.

Make an assessment...

2010-02-12T23:02:00.004-05:00

I kinda love it.

Thanks to my bestie and her snookums for this.

Pinkerton, Paul McCartney and a lament of noise.

2010-02-11T17:17:00.002-05:00

So, I recently broke my most favorite CD in the world. It was in my itunes library so I could still listen to it whenever I wanted, but I was still was upset that it was in three pieces on the floor. I ordered a new copy of the CD and it arrived yesterday. I popped it into my CD player in my car and fell in love all over again. I was a different experience than calling a song up on my ipod. So much of the music on my ipod is put into playlists and shuffled around so that there is no sense of "the album" anymore.

It made me sort of sad to think about how we don't buy music in the tangible sense anymore. I remember the first record I ever bought with my own money. It was the 45rpm single press of "Say, Say, Say" by Paul McCartney (I have had a crush on PM for as long as I can remember) and Michael Jackson. I listened to it endlessly, and would carefully wipe any dust off before putting it back in its paper sleeve. It was something special to take that black vinyl disk, place it on the turntable, and set the needle arm down. The crackly, poppy sounds that would precede the music were and still are the most amazing sounds. The were the intro to every song I loved as a child. I miss that sound. Maybe itunes should start putting that sound at the beginning of every song. :)

Parisian Picspam!

2010-02-10T17:19:00.001-05:00

Well, this weather is stinky, so I thought it would be fun to think about how awesome Paris was in the summer. Paris, je t'aime!

The catacombs are amazing. I totally walked around yelling, "Fortunato!" (Don't send me any email about that story being set in Italy. I know. But when else am I actually going to get to walk around in bone filled catacombs?) In pace requiescat!

Check out the Catacombs here!

More effin' SNOW!!!!

2010-02-09T23:00:00.000-05:00

I think I hate this song more than the weather, but I may rethink it if my garage door freezes shut again.

2010-02-08T09:50:00.005-05:00

You don't think it could ever happen to you. You feel like somehow your family is insulated. You know a few people who have succumbed to this awful disease, but never really think it will touch you and those you love.

Well, it happened to my family. That's right folks, my parents have Snuggie-fever.

I believe the illness is in its early stages, as they have both only had them for about a week. It will be hard to recover, but I will be helping them get through this tradgedy by purchasing them a lovely sofa throw and some new sweaters. Please keep us in your thoughts.

This weekend=More snow...

2010-02-07T14:24:00.000-05:00

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

2010-02-06T18:13:00.003-05:00

I did my tax return today.

I hate the fact that I max out my student loan interest deduction with just one loan.

And I thought we had done away with indentured servitude. So much for land of the free and all that jazz. :)

Prison Love...

2010-02-05T15:50:00.001-05:00

I was cleaning out my desk today at work and stumbled upon this poem (that is po-em for you Ms. L). It was given to me about a month after I started to practice law. The author was an inmate up for parole and I was appointed to represent him. He wrote this poem for me and recited it to me while we were sitting in the visiting room awaiting his hearing. I haven't head from David T. since the day he was released from prison. David, I hope you are doing well and that you figured out that Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A." is not a song about how awesome America is.

A poem by David T.
(Published as written by the author)

So now your an attorney
you've come quite a ways
Is it all about justice?
or just the one who pays?
These are just words of thought
When a life is based on those who get caught.
Days full of trials, trials are in court
right or wrong is what you must sort.
Where is your life, where does it lead,
must be confusing truth based on a plea.
You've got to take time to let it all go,
get in your space, let nobody know
who you are besides what they think
it does'nt matter you look pretty in pink.
Be who you are, all you can be
success is not based on he or she
its just how you feel about the person you are
you can be your own luckey star.
You are the prettiest attorney around
being in prison is like being in the pound.
God sets the course then you must choose
what you want out of life some win, some loose.
today is your choice so havit it your way
let no one stop you of having a Great Day!

Suck it Jack!!!!!!!

2010-02-04T19:34:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I after my piano lesson I decided to swing through a local drive thru to get a diet coke the size of a bathtub. In front of my car is a vehicle of sorts, I hesitate to call it a car, because it had no rear window, only a thin layer of black plastic, it was belching black smoky exhaust, and had a rust hole in the shape of Russia on the trunk. Also present was one of those baby tires you use when you have a flat, only this thing had two of them on the rear wheels.

It took at least three minutes at the first window, because Jack (short for Jackass) had to open the door and count out change for whatever food he ordered. It took even longer at the next window because he pulled too close and couldn't get his arm out the door to take the bag of food.

To Jack I say: What the hell? Have you never been in a drive thru before? If you need to be outside of your car to get the food you are not driving thru, you are, at best, driving up. Get with the program.

I laughed out loud and you shot me the bird and spun out on one of you baby tires. Next time think about whether or not the drive thru is a possibility for you and act accordingly. Jackass.

No, thank you...

2010-02-03T21:41:00.000-05:00

So, I received a Thank You note today from a client. My immediate reation was, "awww, how sweet, I should send her a Thank You note".

Do they make You're Welcome notes?

Spring Fever...

2010-02-02T20:44:00.002-05:00

I am ready to get out into the woods. I am ready to stick my bare feet in the mud and look up at the sky through the leaves. I have spring fever without even a hint of spring. My bicycle is waiting for me to jump on it and ride the trail. I am ready to bust out!!!!!!!!! Winter should take a hike. Haha, get it take a hike. Yeah, I know, epic cheesiness. :)

PS~I got an email today from a friend asking if that was me in the heading picture. Yes, I think it was my fourth birthday, only 30 years ago. I just think it is funny because I am holding a birthday cake and it looks like my eyes have been gouged out.

How silly can you get?

2010-02-02T12:50:00.002-05:00

Okay, it is time to admit my secret shame.

I. Love. To. Watch. The. Bachelor.

I can't help it. The shear level of desperation displayed by these women is mostly appalling, but also fascinating. Sadly, I realize that I enjoy it because on some level it is nice to know that drop-dead gorgeous women are not only insecure, but also bat shit crazy.

Now, I do not pretend to be normal, god knows, I would fail miserably; however, I find the majority of these women INSANE! Certifiable. Ready for the looney bin. Crazy with a K. I can only think of one, maybe two, men that I would physically or verbally fight other women for, and they are both fictional characters. (Oh, Mr. Darcy, I would take Elizabeth Bennett down with my fists and my wit.)

These women are supposedly educated and successful, but they act like preschoolers fighting over a toy. Do I think it is stupid? Yes. Do I think it is, on some level, misogynistic? Yes. Do I watch it every week? You betcha. I realize I am part of the disease, not the cure, but I love it. Maybe I will feel better if I watch a show with some educational value, like an X-Files rerun. (Oh, Mulder, I would fight an alien AND the cigarette smoking man for you!)

Motivated to barf.

2010-02-01T18:24:00.001-05:00

Dear Ms. M

I am so sorry that I made fun of your motivational poster. Its just...I see so many of the "demotivational" ones on the net that seeing a real one in a working office is sort of like seeing an actual living dinosaur.

I thought they were extinct, or at the very least held by some collector of jackassery in an ill conceived theme-park or a damp basement somewhere. But there it was in your office; eagle flying high. "Dare to Soar: Your attitude, almost always determines your altitude in life." I pointed out that, first of all, this is cheesy as hell. Second, it is a blatant lie. Most often your location would determine your altitude in life. Your attitude has nothing to do with your placement relative to sea level.

Maybe I am being too literal.

Anyway, so sorry for the insult to your "artwork", actually I am more sorry that you thought it was "artwork".

Cheers.

Sweet Lord this is funny.

2010-01-31T23:25:00.001-05:00

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

4 words:John Hamm's hairy belly!!!!!

Ah, I do love a hairy man.

Is it possible to go crazy in less than 48 hours?

2010-01-31T17:06:00.001-05:00

Things I did while trapped in my house.

Cleaned out my fridge,
Drew a "tattoo" of a lightning bolt on my wrist,
Ate my weight in cinnamon toast crunch,
Played Claire De Lune on the piano five times,
Tried to play Claire De Lune on the guitar,
Learned that I still cannot play the guitar,
Darned a pair of my favorite socks,
Bought a new copy of Weezer's Pinkerton on amazon. (I stepped on my original...oops).
Called my Mom. awwww.
Rolled around on a yoga ball for 30 minutes.
Watched part of a Matrix marathon on amc.
Cleaned the bugs out of the light fixture in my garage.

Yep, a most productive weekend.

WTF???

2010-01-31T12:26:00.001-05:00

Is this for real? Seriously, is it?

www.marryyourpet.com

~* I Hate Snow *~

2010-01-30T09:44:00.005-05:00

Ahhh, snow. My cold, wet, white enemy. Yes, it is true I moved into your territory, but for the past couple of years you have lain low and given me a sense of optimism. Oh cruel beast. You have made quite a comeback. You have forced me to buy at least 3 days worth of groceries, and you know very well that I am a daily grocery shopper. My pears may turn mushy before I can eat them; my bread modly. Yes, you are a worth adversary. My neighbors stole my shovel, my garage door is frozen shut; I couldn't get out if I wanted to. Well played old man, well played.

Winston Churchill said, "If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the Devil in the House of Commons." So, I guess I need to start allying myself with Global Warming. Maybe I will drive around in my 4-wheel drive gas guzzling Acura with the heat on high and the windows down. Its on Snow. Its ON!

Tower of Terror

2010-01-29T21:14:00.004-05:00

My friend, who shall remain nameless for her own protection, and I were riding through the country one day when we stumbled upon this... thing. Now, my friend had long sought to make her own tarot deck from her original photography, and we thought that this little gem might be a good contender for "the Tower". I mean, what do you call it? Is it a shack? A hut? An upright coffin? A roadside outhouse? One person bus stop for 1980's flea market/carnival workers? And is that a raft in front?

I digress, my friend and I circled around this thing twice trying to figure out the best angle to truly capture the essence of this little gem. We knew we wanted the awesome flea market, blacklight, cobra poster in the frame. It was delicate work to be sure. On our third approach my friend rolled down the window and I stopped. As she was taking the picture we heard a bone chilling sound. Loud and echoing; it was a whistle, and not a wolf whistle or a person whistling their favorite tune. No, it was the whistle only heard in the south. The "hey buddy get ready to get shot" whistle only truly done well by hillbillies.

I have never driven away from a place so fast in my life and that includes the night I got caught spying on my boyfriend while with the same friend. In closing, if this is your hut/bus stop, please do not hunt me down and kill me. Many thanks.

GLOW!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-29T19:45:00.000-05:00

The ultimate in girl power. Who needs Helen Gurley Brown?

New and ...the same...

2010-01-29T18:33:00.000-05:00

So, I am changing up my blog. It used to be a bunch of recipes and quotes from movies, and that is really not awesome. This will also not be awesome, but it will be new.

A little about me:

1. I am obsessed with all things British.

2. I love Star Wars. Sadly, to the point that it once cost me a relationship. You can't compare a regular guy to the sexiness that is Darth Vadar. (Well, you can, but regular guy always loses.)

3. I love reading. Books are more fun than people usually. You can shut a book up.

4. I do not match my socks.

5. I believe that this blog makes me a narcissist.

6. I am an attorney; no judgments please, we all have to work.

7. I believe that I am often too smart for my own good.

8. I love my sock monkey, cheese, socks and Van Morrison. (Listed in order of importance.)

9. I think Paul McCartney is still dreamy.

10. I am terrified of birds.