Turkey!!!!!!!

It is almost Thanksgiving and I would like to take the opportunity to write about those things that I am thankful for the most. First, I am thankful that I have a job. I may gripe about it and whine occasionally (actually daily) but I am very grateful that I am gainfully employed. Second, I am thankful for my family and friends. I know it seems cliche, but seriously, I am very lucky to have great people in my life. This is especially important because I have such a shitty job. Third, I am thankful for my health. I am so lucky to have a body that functions properly. There are so many people out there with life threatening illnesses (which I meet mostly at my workplace), and I am happy to be healthy and have a healthy family. Lastly, I am thankful for Russ. He loves me in spite of my griping and whining about above job. I am very lucky to have such an awesome man in my life. So, in closing, I am very thankful for such good times with good people. I wish everyone reading this a very happy Thanksgiving, and holiday season. Eat bird.

Lance is a pervert.

This is the strangest ad campaign ever. Is Don Draper responsible for this?

"I got Lance in my pants." Eww.

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Really America?

Why is the engagement of two British people the "top story" this morning? The Today show spent ten minutes on the "Royal Engagement". My thoughts on the pending nuptials: I. Don't. Care. I also don't care about Lindsey Lohan's legal issues or Brangelina's rainbow baby. Not everyone wants smoke and mirrors.

I should not have to get my news from the BBC, which, in spite of being the home country of the prince and pending princess, had only a small blurb on the entire matter before reporting actual news.



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Attack of the flaming "J" turkey.

My assistant drew this awesome turkey on the office's dry erase board. I think the "J" stands for jive.

Smoke your meth asshole. I hate you.

Why did I have to give more information to buy Claritin D than I did to buy a house? I am sick; I really didn't need the third degree from a lady with hair the size of a Geo Metro. I realize that I live in a poor rural community known for its premium meth production, but did I really look like I was going to cook a batch of meth? No, I looked like Rudolph the red effin' nosed reindeer (maybe she thought I was a cokehead). I actually sneezed on her little notebook where I had to sign and swear to use the pills for good not evil.  Thanks a lot meth-heads for making my life a bit more Orwellian.

EDIT: To be fair, I just realized that Ms. Big Hair may have looked at my mismatched sock and  black clogs and thought no one would wear that mess unless a drug of some sort was involved. I still hate her, and meth cookers. Meh.

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Midterm Election Anxiety Reliever.

Guaranteed to make you smile:

Step 1: Open Browser
Step 2: Go to www.google.com/imghp
Step 3: Type, "baby orangutan"
Step 4: Click "Search Images"
Step 5: Smile

I am not usually this cheesy, but Oh Ma Gah. Those babies are so cute. Okay, I'm making myself sick and this makes me sad. Better repeat Step 1!

Happy mid-term elections!!!!

EDIT: I didn't think anything could be cuter, but then I remembered this little guy. 

Hmmm.

Is it just me, or are they trying to sell sweatpants painted up like blue jeans for $40?  What's next, nightgown prom dresses?   I mean really, do you know how lumpy most people's asses would be in these?  It is a good thing they are pajamas because then these lumpy assed girls will be properly dressed for a fashion nightmare.

Please explain why...

Please explain why a woman felt the need to discuss her new medication and how her urine smelled like burned beans.  She says all of this to me like I am her very own personal physician.  I was washing my hands and she steps up and shares this nugget of info.  People, this is not acceptable behavior.  This has been a public service announcement. 

This is on the dashboard of my mother's car. WTF? She must be regressing.

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Favorites!

Okay, I think it is time for me to discuss my favorite songs right now. I will limit the list to five.
1. The National, "Bloodbuzz Ohio"- The lead's voice sounds like Tom Waits and Darth Vader's love child.
2. Broken Bells, "Sailing to Nowhere"-  Love this one.  Great melody and  a bit creepy.
3. Guster, "Do You Love Me"-  This song makes me smile big.  I love that "marbles in my mouth" phrase.  I can totally relate.
4. The Black Keys, "Howlin' for you"-  Sexy.
5. And an older, but still awesome, "Be Here Now" by Mason Jennings-  Makes me think about how good my life is right now. 

All are awesome.

By the way, I have no qualms about telling you that I can be obsessed with a song or songs. I set about ten songs on a playlist and hit the repeat button. Before I know it I will have listened to them all about five times. Does this count as a hobby?

Yep...

In case you cannot tell, this is a naked barbie riding a bulldog hood ornament. What can I say? Some rednecks are freakin' geniuses.

Looks like Nietzsche was right...

God must be dead.

DaNaNaNa...They say its your birthday!

Happy 70th to the late John Lennon.  Which begs the question; how can one have a birthday if one is dead?  I don't really know, I just really love the Beatles.  John is not my fav, but god I love "Happiness is a Warm Gun".  Anywho, celebrate the music today.

Chicago Impressions

Can squids use spoons?

I dreamt last night that I was a giant squid with tentacles that held jars of nutella. Also, I sang that song "Angie" by the Stones really loudly while I waved my delicious jars of hazelnut goodness. I was one happy squid. I think Freud would have a ball with that one.

Things I learned today:

1.  I really hate getting junk mail.  I always suspected that it sucked, but I really do hate it.

2.  Cheese grits with turkey sausage and garlic are amazing.

3.  Queen Latifah sounds like a man when she speaks on the radio.  Seriously, I thought I was listening to an interview with Shaquille O'Neal for about five minutes. 

Random!

So I was randomly flipping through channels on the tv when I heard a man say, "Jackie Kennedy would NOT have a camel toe!". Some people are trend setters, and some are not.

New York Impressions

My five favorite pics from today.

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I do too!

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Wow!

Blogging from the top of the Rock!

Surreal.

It is very strange to listen to a song about counting cars on the New Jersey Turnpike while riding along in a bus on the same road. I don't think Paul and Art were on an old folks tour bus though. Still it is weird.

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Mattress is a funny word.

Okay, before you read any of this post and think, "that chick is off her rocker", just know that I realize this is weird.

This past saturday evening marked the end of an era in my household.  I am sentimental about the strangest things...

My parents bought a king size bed when they got married in 1967.  Up until last weekend it was still being used by my parents (mostly my dad because my mom decided she wanted her own room, "for the first time in her life", after I moved out)  Anyway, this monstrosity of a bed, complete with yellow, pink and orange roses dotting it's surface, still sat in the same place as it did 43 years ago.  I remember thinking when I was a kid that it was the biggest and best bed ever.  I loved to jump up and down on the bed when my parents weren't watching me closely.  I would roll all over the bed while my mom would sew wedding dresses.  I always felt really safe when I was in that bed.  (Incidentally, I also have a sneaky suspicion that I was conceived on that bed.   My mother insists that it could have been anywhere, but I sort of like thinking that this bed was where I became the multicellular organism you all know and love today.)

That is why, when my dad and I took the 3 ton mattress to the county dump and threw it into the dumpster, I was a little sad.  My dad was not sad.  He could not wait to sleep on his new queen size mattress.  Go figure.

So long, to the place where I was made. So long to my happy bouncy spot, so long to my big soft squishy friend, bon chance box springs!  I hope some homeless people got you out of that dumpster.

I actually know some really cool people...

I have been meaning to post this for a while.  My friend is an amazingly talented man. Check out this video of him drawing on ceramic.  And yes, he really moves that fast.  it only takes him like a second to brush his teeth. :)

*Smile*

Sorry I've been MIA for a while.  I bought a house, and I actually have something to do other than work, so my blog suffered.  Meh, maybe I'm not that sorry.  Having a life is fun.

On a completely different note, look at this piece of ginger.  It looks like a horsey.  I so love it when food looks like animals.  I think I have an animal cracker fetish.

Again, subject change: I was sitting is traffic today waiting for a red light to change when two of the prettiest yellow butterflies flew right in front of my car.  They "danced" with each other for a while before flying off together.  It was an amazing moment.  

Is that how you spell Shrubbery???

This was posted at a local gas station.  I hate people and there poor grammar to.

Gifties

Get your awesome GIFTS here. 

Be right back...

Dear Mr. Man that Shoots Arrows,

I'm so sorry to have been away for so long.  I have been packing up my apartment so that I can move into my new house, but the seller is being difficult and trying to back out of the deal.  I will be back after I manage to whip her ass.  I am attaching the awesome story you sent me.  Maybe God is a vegan after all.

Sincerely yours,

Sadie

Link:
Big Butter Jesus sizzles.

Anybody got a tissue?

I have a confession to make.  I cried during the American Idol finale.

Twice.

The first time was when Brett Michaels came out to sing with dirty grocery store boy.  He came back from a near death experience to sing with a twerp.  The second time was when Simon said goodbye.  I love Simon, but I really didn't anticipate that reaction.  I am blaming hormones for this embarrassing moment, but I think I am actually just a dork.

I still miss you Jim.

Today is the 20th anniversary of Jim Henson's death. 

He was a quiet genius.  Willing to take a back seat and let the Muppets develop personalities of their own.   I had never cried over a "celebrity's" passing until the day he died, and haven't since (except maybe Jeff Buckley, but I was a little drunk then and probably would have cried anyway).

I still love you Jim and miss *your* Kermit the frog.  The new guy is good, but I can tell the difference.  Thanks for bringing me joy and making me smile still after all these years.  Now off to watch Kermit and Piggy save the Fabulous Baseball Diamond from Charles Grodin.

Today I burped.

Yes, I know, this is not a shocker.  I burp all the time; in fact, that was to be my talent at 4-H camp.  I could burp the alphabet.  I was good at it.  I would go so far as to say I was the Michael Jordan of alphabet burping, but apparently the talent show judges at camp didn't think burping was a "talent".  Whatever, they suck.

I digress, today I was sitting, having a conversation with a co-worker when a burp slipped out.  Just came out loud and proud.  This has never happened to me.  I always have a warning.  It may be a short one, but it is at least enough time to close my mouth or muffle the sound.  This was completely unexpected.  I am freaking out.  What if this happens when I meet President Obama, or Paul McCartney?  I will never be the same again.   How can I ever relax again?

5 reasons I will never have a facebook:

1. I do not have time to sit in front of my computer and read about the minutia of people lives. I would never sit and listen to these details on the phone, or tolerate such banality in person. Why would I waste time that could be spent doing more productive things like reading a 1000 page book?

2. I am a private person. Yes, I have a blog, but you will note that my name is not disclosed anywhere. There is a picture of me when I was four, but I don't think I look like that anymore. Anyways, I don't want to share with others. I live in a small town; people already know too much about me. And, did you know that facebook owns your pictures? They do. You may see your face on a billboard one day.

3. I don't like most people. I don't talk to people I went to high school or college with. This is purposeful. I have one or two friends that I keep in touch with, but for the most part, I hated those people. I was painfully weird and nerdy with a uni-brow in high school. I don't care to relive those moments.

4. Being a "friend" with someone on facebook does not make you friends. It is this kind of fake relationship that makes me want to barf. Be my friend, don't be my friend, but definitely don't be my fake friend on facebook.

5. And lastly, my Aunties have facebook accounts. They all get together and talk constantly about their status, farms and fish. I am so tired of being badgered by them to get an account that I am going nuts. I can tell you that if I were to be "friends" with my Aunties on facebook my life would have dropped to such a boring level that I would probably enjoy facebook. This makes me want to throw myself off of a silo in Farmville.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

What exactly is this trying to prove?

Bring me some meat and money!!!!!!

I was thinking today about what my "dream" job would be.  I thought for a long time and finally settled on... Food Critic.  Now, you may want to point out that in addition to tasty gourmet fare, food critics have to eat a lot of really nasty food.  This would not deter me.  I have eaten a lot of really bad food, and even enjoyed some of it.  Some people will say, "eww, don't get pizza there, it tastes disgusting", or "gross, that steak was way too tough"; to these people I say, phooey.   Even the worst pizza and/or steak is pretty good.  I think I could eat a few bad meals in order to be paid to chow down on some tasty vittles.  Now off to send in my resume to the local paper, the Tomahawk, so that my review of local gas station salads can commence.

Another WTF...

I was out on the town last night and came upon this band poster.  I think I know what is going on in this picture.  I really hope I am wrong about it.  I really hope that dolphin is choking on a fish stick while the unicorn gives him the Heimlich maneuver; however, I think there are darker forces at work here.  Most concerning of all is the, "all ages" printed in the lower corner.  

Do you wish to continue this transaction?

Is it weird that whenever I go through an ATM that charges a withdrawal fee I always take out at least $100.00?  I do this because I feel like I am getting more for the $2.00 fee.  Logically I realize that it is $2.00 coming out of my account regardless of the amount I withdraw.  Taking out a larger amount doesn't save me one thin dime, but it does make me feel better.  I realize it is not a percentages game as it is a flat fee.  But it looks better to have spent only 2% of the final take rather than 10%. 
My mind is a vast wasteland of stupid ideas, and this is only one.  I am a weirdo.

Must have it!

Is it wrong that I would pay up to ten of my hard earned dollars for this thing?  It has two big pluses IMHO.  First, it is a stuffed animal.  I have tried in vain to deny my obsession with stuffed animals.  I have to rationalize with myself that I do not need to buy stuffed animals because I am a professional woman in her 30s.  I tell myself they are dust collectors and only add to my allergies, and I walk away.  But it hurts.  Secondly, this thing is freakin' weird, and I love that.

Source.

Could it be Colonel Angus?

Yabba Dabba Goo

One more thing I learned the hard way, you can't leave gummy vitamins in your car and expect them not to melt into a gooey mess that resembles the B-movie classic "the Blob".  Now I have a huge, seven dollar, blob of vitamin.  FML.

I'm waiting for the Toilet Paper Roll Houseboat.

Clicky:   This is so amazing!

I am always amazed at the things people can invent and produce.  I can make a pretty tasty brown rice salad, but I have to credit Alton Brown for that. 

Somebody call Oliver Stone...

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Is Oliver Stone still relevant? 

One Strong Pong.

Thanks to the Mantastic Minataur for turning me on to this little nugget of awesome.

Game Reviews - E3 2010 - Comedy
Link:  Here is the Link

finger

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): fin·gered; fin·ger·ing \-g(ə-)riŋ\

Date: 15th century

transitive verb

1 : to touch or feel with the fingers

2 a : to play (a musical instrument) with the fingers b : to play (as notes or chords) with a specific fingering c : to mark the notes of (a music score) as a guide in playing

3 : to point out as an accusation.

I cannot tell you how misunderstood I was today when I used the word "fingered", as in number 3 above.  Just know that my client was asked about being digitally raped, and I almost peed my pants.  Sometimes my job is so great.

What the Hell? AKA Just Another Rant.

So, I took off a couple of hours early today because my body is rebelling against me, and I am a sicky.  Anywho, I was lying in bed after a nap and QVC was on the TV.  They were selling Birkenstocks.  Now, I love my Birks, and I wear them a lot in the summer with casual clothes.  I have had them resoled several times since 1992, and I seriously love them.

BUT, the women on QVC were selling these sandals and saying things like, "you could really dress these up and wear them out for cocktails or for a dressy dinner", and "these have a rhinestone on the buckle and shiny faux croc leather; that makes them so nice to wear to weddings and social events".

NO! NO! NO!

At no point in time should someone think that a dressy dinner party should involve a hippie-assed sandal.  I see people who look like they got dressed in the dark, they look like they have fashion schizophrenia, and I wonder where they got the idea that they looked good.  Well folks, now I know.  Q-fricking-VC.

Who knew Seabiscuit was gay?

At first I wondered; are these stories about lesbians who like horses, or horses who are lesbians?  In fact, I am still confused.

This is the most terrifying photo I have ever seen.  If I looked up and saw these two coming at me I would crap my pants.  They are creepy, and not even because of the hair and fashion choices.  That knife/gun thing is scary enough;  holy hell though, what is he going to do with that bird?  Pennywise from Stephen King's It could take lessons from these two.

On a completely unrelated note, I think I am being attacked by mutant allergens.   I think they are my kryptonite.  I'm on my way home to my fortress of solitude to recover.

:(

Clicky:  This is effed up.  Like seriously, effed up.

I am also concerned that 14% of people thought this story was "hillarious".  What. The. Hell?

Source: ananova.com

World's cleverest man turns down $1m                            

A Russian said to be the world's cleverest man has turned  down a $1 million prize for solving one of mathematics' toughest  puzzles.

Dr Grigory Perelman, 44, who lives as a recluse in a  cockroach-infested flat in St Petersburg, said through the closed door:  "I have all I want."

The prize, the equivalent of £660,000, was given by the US Clay  Mathematics Institute for solving the Poincare Conjecture, reports the  Daily Mail.

Dr Perelman posted his solution on the internet but failed to turn  up to receive his prestigious Fields Medal from the International  Mathematical Union in Madrid four years ago.

At the time he stated: "I'm not interested in money or fame. I  don't want to be on display like an animal in a zoo.

"I'm not a hero of mathematics. I'm not even that successful, that  is why I don't want to have everybody looking at me."

Neighbour Vera Petrovna said: "I was once in his flat and I was  astounded. He only has a table, a stool and a bed with a dirty mattress  which was left by previous owners - alcoholics who sold the flat to him.

"We are trying to get rid of cockroaches in our block, but they  hide in his flat."

The Poincare Conjecture was more than 100 years old when Perelman  solved it - and could help determine the shape of the universe.

Thanks to Little D for finding this article!  Love ya!

Maybe they are blind...

More incongruity:

In fairness to the dude in the middle, the swastika is a symbol of peace in eastern religions;  however, I have no defense for the other two people as they are obvious jackasses.

Overheard:

Today in juvenile court I overheard the following conversation between two women:

Woman#1  Them Democrats are gonna ruin us all.  Why do they have to mess around with our insurance.
Woman#2  I know,  things were better when Bush was in office...  What's your brother up to now?
Woman#1  Nothing, he's trying for disability.  I sent him to my lawyer.  He did a great job with my case.

Oh, the humanity.   I know Woman#1 and she gets her insurance through TennCare, our Medicaid program.  I swear, if these women were chickens they would vote for Colonel Sanders.

Bass Pro Shop

Memories...

Just so I will always remember, it was the 13th of March, 2010 when I ended up in a smelly cab with my friends and a toothless lesbian named D.  The lesbian didn't have a ride home and I think she had a thing for one of my friends.  I was too drunk to care that we were riding through the night with a strange lady who wanted to get in my pal's panties.  She kept bitching about some cologne she left in her absent friend's car.  We went to Perkins where I ate pancakes and bacon, and my friend broke the news that she was straight and married.  We left Perkins while D was in the restroom; I hope she made it home, and got her cologne back.

I guess I was wrong...

I think I have asked myself this question before, but I always thought the answer was:

"Get it on with Mick Jagger, Sucka!"  How could I have been so wrong?


Pic Source: cheezburger.com