Wal-mart and hairy-wart should rhyme, but they don't...

I went to the icky Wal-Mart to buy a filter for my humidifier, and decided to look in the fabric and notions section for some new fun yarn.  What I found there was both disturbing and haunting.

Do you all remember those zubaz pants that were popular with football fans and coaches in the 90's?  Well I found a middle-aged man in the fabric department wearing a pair, in tiger.  He had several bolts of fabric laid out across his buggy.  One is a checkered flag print, the other has the number 3 all over it and the other two have various nascar logos all over them.  This guy is looking back and forth between the fabric and his tony the tiger pants, almost as if he is wondering how much fabric he will need to fashion a homemade pair of these textile nightmares.   In fact, I think that is exactly what he was contemplating. He is staring at the fabric and ... Oh, the humanity.  Things like this should not be allowed to happen in America.

Check this out!  This chick is a hoot!
http://nomissedopportunities.blogspot.com/2010/03/rant-part-2.html#comment-form
  
Non sequitur: I really hate it when you find a really perfect piece of fruit at the grocery, and you pick it up and the side that was hidden is all mushy.  Such a let-down.

 

At the risk of eliminating a source of my income; this is for all those folks out there that end up in court for being stupid.  Listen to me now...are you listening?  Yes, I'm talking to you.  Ok, so, do not smoke pot or drink beer while driving down the road in plain view of god and everybody.  Just drink your beer in the bar or at home.  AND for forks sake don't smoke weed in your car.  Do that at your home or the home of a well-known friend.  The police actually have to have a warrant to search your home.  If you are minding your own business in your house, there is almost always no need for Barney Fife to come knockin' on your door, and if he does, just hide the shit.  He is probably not looking for your dime bag of smoke. 

Heads up though, if you are being an idiot and doing this shit in your car, maintain a safe speed, make sure you don't have a busted brake light, always wear your seat belt and don't leave the stuff out in the open.  Don't give the police probable cause to search your Buick.  Be smart.

This has been a public service announcement.

This. Is. American. Mediocre Idol!

What is going on with American Idol? All the contestants are meh. Where is the charisma? If it doesn't show up soon I'm gonna have to change the channel. I only watch a couple of tv shows regularly, and I may start looking for a replacement.  Trash tv is so unpredictable.  Dirty Grocery Store boy is about halfway to being great, and Simon is still sex on legs.

I don't think this was the big hair the 80's was famous for.

The ways I know my friend and I have grown up:

• We both make sure we have plenty of toilet paper.  No more digging for Kleenex in an emergency.
• We both have spare bedrooms for company.
• We don't like hanging out with a bunch of club kids and pretend hippies anymore.
• We have gray hairs.
• We both have jobs with insurance benefits.
• We talk about things like mortgages, 401ks, and credit scores.
• Thankfully our mother's don't dress us and do our hair anymore. (see above pics for reference.)

Glorious...

I mean, why are there dorks at the Olympics, the biggest sporting event there is, skating around in cowboy costumes to the effin' Dixie Chicks? I even hate the fact that I know who the Dixie Chicks are.  Men should not wear chaps and ice skates together.  I am making a decree: no skates and chaps at the same time.  There, that should head off any further foolishness.

EDIT:  Oh, Mah, God, now there are two Russians dressed up in skin colored body stockings painted to look like Aborigines.  Sweet lord, why, why is this a sport?

Why I eyes ya...

Woot!

I feel the way this cat looks.  Like freakin' Superman!  The sun is shining; it is 40 degrees outside.  I am super stoked.  There is no way I could live in an area where it was snowing and gray all winter long.  I would go crazy.  I already started to feel a little like Jack Torrance in "The Shining".  I think I actually typed, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy", on someone's disability application.

Felony Swabbery...

Okay, I sat through a twenty minute lecture today from a man regarding my use of Q-tips. I was making out a grocery list while waiting my turn in court and he starts ranting about how Q-tips are dangerous. Really? Dangerous?  Beware America, these things are being sold willy-nilly.  Gird your loins and board up the windows.  That isn't even the part that ticks me off...

First of all, he read a list, out loud, over my shoulder, that I was making for my own personal use; a list that I had no intention of sharing with the entire front of the courtroom. Did the inmates from the jail need to know that I need tampons? Secondly, is there no other topic to rant and rave about?  To have that kind of hatred for an inanimate object is just plain strange. Thanks for the mind-numbing diatribe. I love Q-tips, but don't really like you anymore. Viva la Q-tips!!!!!!!!!

P.S. I did really love your hiking boots.  They looked really comfy.

Will it ever stop?...

Yo, I don't know, turn off the lights and I'll glow. Because I am fashioning an atomic bomb to blow the snow off the planet.

An salute to flatulence...

I paid a dollar for a self-inflating whoopie-cushion today.  It may have been the best dollar I have spent this year.  My co-worker/friend spent an hour perfecting the different, ahem...noises.  By the end of the day he had named one the "Queen of England", and another the "Two for One". 

We discussed how no matter where you are from, your economic status, age, race, religion or other affiliation, a fart is really funny.  It is one of the only things that truly crosses all boundaries.  So, I want to salute the farts of the world.  You remind me that we are all the same.  I think Benetton should do an advert where farts are the stars.   I'm not sure how they would do print ads, but the TV spots would be fun.

Toot Tone!!!!!!!!

'Nuff Said...

I like the caramels.

I was reminded tonight of how much I love Walt Whitman.  I never pick up Leaves of Grass that I don't feel the need to lay on the green ground and stare at the sky through the trees.  Whitman makes me feel like I think a person should feel while having a religious experience.  After a good sermon from Walt I feel hopeful and have a renewed faith in both myself and mankind.  Song of Myself is my Psalms.  I think Whitman intended the reader to feel that way; to have that lyrical, singing quality from his written words.  I'm just glad King James isn't around to screw it up.

Make an assessment...

I kinda love it.

Thanks to my bestie and her snookums for this.

Pinkerton, Paul McCartney and a lament of noise.

So, I recently broke my most favorite CD in the world.  It was in my itunes library so I could still listen to it whenever I wanted, but I was still was upset that it was in three pieces on the floor.  I ordered a new copy of the CD and it arrived yesterday.  I popped it into my CD player in my car and fell in love all over again.  I was a different experience than calling a song up on my ipod.  So much of the music on my ipod is put into playlists and shuffled around so that there is no sense of "the album" anymore. 

It made me sort of sad to think about how we don't buy music in the tangible sense anymore.  I remember the first record I ever bought with my own money.  It was the 45rpm single press of "Say, Say, Say" by Paul McCartney (I have had a crush on PM for as long as I can remember) and Michael Jackson.  I listened to it endlessly,  and would carefully wipe any dust off before putting it back in its paper sleeve.  It was something special to take that black vinyl disk, place it on the turntable, and set the needle arm down.   The crackly, poppy sounds that would precede the music were and still are the most amazing sounds.  The were the intro to every song I loved as a child.  I miss that sound.  Maybe itunes should start putting that sound at the beginning of every song.  :) 

Parisian Picspam!

Well, this weather is stinky, so I thought it would be fun to think about how awesome Paris was in the summer. Paris, je t'aime!

The catacombs are amazing.  I totally walked around yelling, "Fortunato!" (Don't send me any email about that story being set in Italy.  I know.  But when else am I actually going to get to walk around in bone filled catacombs?) In pace requiescat!

Check out the Catacombs here!

More effin' SNOW!!!!

I think I hate this song more than the weather, but I may rethink it if my garage door freezes shut again.

You don't think it could ever happen to you.  You feel like somehow your family is insulated.  You know a few people who have succumbed to this awful disease, but never really think it will touch you and those you love.

Well, it happened to my family.  That's right folks, my parents have Snuggie-fever. 

I believe the illness is in its early stages, as they have both only had them for about a week.  It will be hard to recover, but I will be helping them get through this tradgedy by purchasing them a lovely sofa throw and some new sweaters.  Please keep us in your thoughts.

This weekend=More snow...

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

I did my tax return today.

I hate the fact that I max out my student loan interest deduction with just one loan.  

And I thought we had done away with indentured servitude.  So much for land of the free and all that jazz.  :)

Prison Love...

I was cleaning out my desk today at work and stumbled upon this poem (that is po-em for you Ms. L).  It was given to me about a month after I started to practice law.  The author was an inmate up for parole and I was appointed to represent him.  He wrote this poem for me and recited it to me while we were sitting in the visiting room awaiting his hearing.  I haven't head from David T. since the day he was released from prison.  David, I hope you are doing well and that you figured out that Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A." is not a song about how awesome America is. 

A poem by David T.
(Published as written by the author)

So now your an attorney
you've come quite a ways
Is it all about justice?
or just the one who pays?
These are just words of thought
When a life is based on those who get caught.
Days full of trials, trials are in court
right or wrong is what you must sort.
Where is your life, where does it lead,
must be confusing truth based on a plea.
You've got to take time to let it all go,
get in your space, let nobody know
who you are besides what they think
it does'nt matter you look pretty in pink.
Be who you are, all you can be
success is not based on he or she
its just how you feel about the person you are
you can be your own luckey star.
You are the prettiest attorney around
being in prison is like being in the pound.
God sets the course then you must choose
what you want out of life some win, some loose.
today is your choice so havit it your way
let no one stop you of having a Great Day!

Suck it Jack!!!!!!!

Okay, so I after my piano lesson I decided to swing through a local drive thru to get a diet coke the size of a bathtub.  In front of my car is a vehicle of sorts, I hesitate to call it a car, because it had no rear window, only a thin layer of black plastic, it was belching black smoky exhaust, and had a rust hole in the shape of Russia on the trunk.  Also present was one of those baby tires you use when you have a flat, only this thing had two of them on the rear wheels.

It took at least three minutes at the first window, because Jack (short for Jackass) had to open the door and count out change for whatever food he ordered.  It took even longer at the next window because he pulled too close and couldn't get his arm out the door to take the bag of food.

To Jack I say: What the hell?  Have you never been in a drive thru before?   If you need to be outside of your car to get the food you are not driving thru, you are, at best, driving up.  Get with the program.

I laughed out loud and you shot me the bird and spun out on one of you baby tires.  Next time think about whether or not the drive thru is a possibility for you and act accordingly.  Jackass.

No, thank you...

So, I received a Thank You note today from a client.  My immediate reation was, "awww, how sweet, I should send her a Thank You note". 

Do they make You're Welcome notes?

Spring Fever...

I am ready to get out into the woods.   I am ready to stick my bare feet in the mud and look up at the sky through the leaves.  I have spring fever without even a hint of spring.  My bicycle is waiting for me to jump on it and ride the trail.  I am ready to bust out!!!!!!!!!  Winter should take a hike.  Haha, get it take a hike. Yeah, I know, epic cheesiness. :)



PS~I got an email today from a friend asking if that was me in the heading picture.  Yes, I think it was my fourth birthday, only 30 years ago.  I just think it is funny because I am holding a birthday cake and it looks like my eyes have been gouged out.

How silly can you get?

Okay, it is time to admit my secret shame.

I. Love. To. Watch. The. Bachelor.

I can't help it.  The shear level of desperation displayed by these women is mostly appalling, but also fascinating.  Sadly, I realize that I enjoy it because on some level it is nice to know that drop-dead gorgeous women are not only insecure, but also bat shit crazy.

Now, I do not pretend to be normal, god knows, I would fail miserably; however, I find the majority of these women INSANE!  Certifiable. Ready for the looney bin.  Crazy with a K.  I can only think of one, maybe two, men that I would physically or verbally fight other women for, and they are both fictional characters.  (Oh, Mr. Darcy, I would take Elizabeth Bennett down with my fists and my wit.)

These women are supposedly educated and successful, but they act like preschoolers fighting over a toy.  Do I think it is stupid? Yes.  Do I think it is, on some level, misogynistic? Yes.  Do I watch it every week? You betcha.  I realize I am part of the disease, not the cure, but I love it.  Maybe I will feel better if I watch a show with some educational value, like an X-Files rerun.  (Oh, Mulder, I would fight an alien AND the cigarette smoking man for you!)

Motivated to barf.

Dear Ms. M

I am so sorry that I made fun of your motivational poster.  Its just...I see so many of the "demotivational" ones on the net that seeing a real one in a working office is sort of like seeing an actual living dinosaur.

I thought they were extinct, or at the very least held by some collector of jackassery in an ill conceived theme-park or a damp basement somewhere.  But there it was in your office; eagle flying high.  "Dare to Soar: Your attitude, almost always determines your altitude in life."   I pointed out that, first of all, this is cheesy as hell.  Second, it is a blatant lie.  Most often your location would determine your altitude in life.  Your attitude has nothing to do with your placement relative to sea level. 

Maybe I am being too literal.

Anyway, so sorry for the insult to your "artwork", actually I am more sorry that you thought it was "artwork".

Cheers.